That which does not kill us

That which does not kill us

Well, I thought my inner Pollyanna had finally met her match. My husband has had a series of physical and medical issues lately and I have been responsible for helping him out around the house and with the snow shoveling so he did not lift anything that weighted more than 15 pounds for about two months now. This meant that I would need to do any shoveling of our beloved stairs going up to our house or the large driveway we have so we could drive our cars. Now on a normal year this would be daunting but this year decided to be a challenging year for all of us. A year for us to face our fears head on and determine if we were going to stay victorious or we were going to run for cover, ducking our heads under the blankets until the scary darkness left and sunshine returned. At least that is how it felt to me. 

I have had numerous years that have challenged me. Numerous opportunities to face my fears and stay victorious and I was feeling very much up for the challenge. Almost daring the darkness to come into my space because I would vanquish it with my beautiful energy of light, love and compassion. 

However this year the fates did not play fairly. They took my strong, protector of a man and gave him his own fears to face. The primary one being your strong body is growing weaker as you age and you need to slow down. Period. Or more will rain down upon your head until you surrender to our will. At least it felt that way to him. 

So I found myself needing to strengthen my own inner resolve to stay in the light of hope and optimism that the best days of life are always in front of you while the darker energies were licking at my heals daring me to join them in their anger and despair. 

It almost happened today. I woke up within a dream state to find myself in a situation from my very early years where I was experiencing panic, despair, desperation that I would not make it within the world any longer I wanted to leave this Earth and return home. I know many of you have these thoughts. I help counsel people and work with them to uncover the dark memories, see them in the light and allow that light to vanquish them forever and restore them to a whole and healthy mind, returning their body to a state of healthy balance. 

So how could I find myself within this lucid dream state in that very moment I had conquered years before feeling the same state of panic and despair I felt at 5 when the event first took place? 

It was going to be another opportunity to face that energy, that vibration and once again claim my space and energy for the light vibration of empowerment, hopefulness and vanquish the inner shadows once again. I was able to pull myself out of that energy through my focused connection to the light and vibration of my higher wisdom. Reestablishing again my “where am I now” and breathing in the healing breath of life. 

However this wasn’t just my anguish I was feeling. My husband woke up in one of his darker gloomy powerless moods too. He was feeling depressed and full of despair having had dreams of his past too. This then was my clue. This feeling of anguish and despair was not just mine. Not just within my energy and my vibration space. It had permeated our home. Our bedroom. So I sent my column of light out into the room and then surrounded my husband, my bedroom, my home with the energy and vibration of light, love and compassion. And something subtle started to take place. Not all at once. Not in some miraculous this will vanquish the light right now kind of way, no. But it did start to take affect. We were able to talk about our dreams. Our feelings. Our fears. Then just as I was feeling empowered and ready to tackle the day Gary pointed out that it had snowed again last night and was still lightly snowing. Not the dusting the weatherman said we would have but a new layer of snow about 5 inches around our home. So my new found shadow of having to shovel and make our home ready for people to come visit and work with me was present too. 

I was plunged into a feeling of why me? Which I am ashamed to admit stayed the entire time I was eating breakfast and then for a bit while I was shoveling the stairs. But something was happening within me. I did not give up nor did I give in. I stayed with my work of clearing a path to our house. I helped my husband blow the snow from our driveway. I scrapped the snow off of his car. We worked together silently as a team and accomplished our goal of snow removal more efficiently than we had in the past. I was able to see the clouds roll out and the sunshine appear. It was pretty, light and lovely seeing the freshly fallen snow surround our house and then it hit me. I had been surrounding our house, our home with light. Lots of light. For many hours yesterday as I felt some oppressive energy around me, during the night as I was in my lucid dream of despair and powerlessness and again in the early morning when I realized my husband was feeling the despair and powerlessness. 

I had been mentally and vibrationally surrounding myself, my husband, our home with light and love. And Mother Earth did her part to share the beauty and wonder of a white, lovely fluffy newly fallen snow cover. 

It immediately brightened my mood and allowed me to feel that my co creation of light and love was made manifest by this pretty and brilliant snow cover. And as I went into the house feeling once again victorious I heard my grandmother’s voice, “Maggie, that which does not kill us makes us stronger!” Thanks, Toni. I needed that :) 

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